About Anita S

I specialize in "poor judgment"

Self-sabotage

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I read this interesting article on self-sabotage today. It gives tongue-in-cheek instructions for making yourself worse when you are depressed. I’m familiar with all of them, but I tend to be in denial when I’m doing them.

Now, I can’t stay in denial because the article has brought them to the forefront. For example, #2 is ‘Stay Indoors.’ I am very bad about that. I once enjoyed spending time outside, but somehow I stopped doing it. It’s hard to even go outside for a short walk. I make excuses, of course. ‘Too hot’ — ‘too cold’ — ‘lots of pollen’ — ‘my head hurts’ — ‘I have to walk outside tomorrow when I go to therapy, so I don’t want to go out today’ — and so forth. But these excuses have been unmasked now for exactly what they are — excuses.

If I choose to continue making excuses and sabotaging myself, I will not feel sorry for myself, and probably no one else will feel sorry for me either!

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The “Try Looking At It Through My Eyes” Challenge Day 11

courtesy of Kevin at Mental Health Writers Guild

courtesy of Kevin at Mental Health Writers Guild

Day Eleven – “The Forgiving” – Choose one thing in your life that you have done and feel guilty for and write yourself a letter forgiving yourself for that thing. Ps. You don’t need to name the thing you did unless you feel comfortable doing so.

Dear Anita,

I know that you are still feeling guilty about something you did over 16 years ago, especially since you believe recent unpleasant events are related to what you did. Well, I can understand your bad feelings. I think most people would feel bad, too.

But here’s the good news! I forgive you for doing that. Yes, there are always consequences to our choices, and sometimes our choices affect people around us in ways that are very negative. But remember that you were sick and addicted at the time. You would never have acted like that otherwise! You did the best you could under the circumstances.

I know you would like to go back and change it, but we can’t do that. Instead, recognize that the past is what it is, and move forward with a new perspective. There is no need to punish yourself any longer. It’s okay now — you are forgiven.

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Sabbatical

I am thinking I will take a sabbatical on this blog, after finishing up some loose ends — specifically, the blog challenge I undertook some time ago.

My enthusiasm for writing here has waned, perhaps because I have had mental disturbances  so significant that I couldn’t write about them in a public forum. Right now, I’m more interested in distractions that will help me keep an emotional equilibrium.

Accordingly, I am planning to make posts in two other blogs: Lunar Moth Enterprises, and an ‘artsy’ blog that I haven’t named yet. I’ll let you know more later. I will still post here occasionally, possibly every week or two.

Thank you for being part of The Bipolar Dance!

Introducing the ‘O’-ring — The Challenger Disaster

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Do you remember where you were on this date 27 years ago (1986)? What were you doing when you heard that the space shuttle Challenger had exploded? What were your feelings at that time?

At 10:38 am CST, I was driving from a college class to the dentist’s office where my mother worked. As usual, I had the radio on, listening with pleasure to the news of the shuttle’s lift-off. It had been scheduled for January 23, but weather and technical problems delayed it until the 28th when finally, in spite of the cold, the decision was made to go ahead with the launch.

The whole country was excited about Christa McAuliffe, a 37-year-old high school teacher who would be the first U.S. civilian in space. We had heard about her training, her background, and her personality. Since she was not a professional astronaut, the rest of us — ordinary civilians who would probably never go into space — felt a kinship with her, as if she were a symbol we could all relate to.

As I listened to the countdown on the radio, I felt a flush of excitement run through me. I imagined myself in the shuttle, trying to prepare for the pressure of acceleration and the disorientation of free fall. I heard the cheers as the shuttle blasted off.

Less that 2 minutes later, the cheers turned to sobs and gasps of horror. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I quickly reached the office to tell my mom, but they already had it on the waiting room TV. I sat for a long time and watched CNN’s coverage, just trying to take it in.

A special investigative commission, appointed by then-President Reagan, determined that the tragedy occurred due to the failure of an ‘O’-ring seal on one of the solid-fuel boosters. The failure was most likely due to the cold weather, since cold temperatures reduce the pliability of the rubber and allow fuel to leak. In fact, npr reported,

… engineer and several others were not surprised when Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff on Jan. 28, 1986. They worked for Morton Thiokol (now ATK Thiokol), the Utah-based NASA contractor which produced the solid rocket motors that lifted space shuttles from their launch pads….

…Some of those Thiokol engineers expected o-ring failures at liftoff. They knew that cold overnight temperatures forecast before launch would stiffen the rubber o-rings. They knew that stiff o-rings didn’t provide a secure seal. In fact, there had been evidence of leakage, what the engineers called “blowby,” on an earlier shuttle flight. This would be the coldest launch ever.

Although failure of the ‘O’-ring, with a resultant leak, was considered to be the direct cause of the explosion, there were also indirect causes, such as lack of communication, failure to adhere to recognized safety standards, and “groupthink” — defined by RationalWiki as “Groupthink occurs when individuals in a group fail to express their doubts about the group’s dynamic, direction or decisions because of a desire to maintain consensus or conformity.” Groupthink often results in denial of reality and negative consequences.

Here is an archived video from NASA that gives a close-up of the explosion (click the picture):

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Last spring, this home video footage of the disaster was uncovered. It is especially poignant because in the background you can hear words of shock and grief. Click the picture to watch the video.

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Winter’s Respite Read-a-thon Follow-up

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Looking back, I think my planned reading was overly ambitious. On the other hand, Real Life has intervened this week and taken my mind completely away from ordinary tasks such as reading.

I did accomplish something — I got to 53% on Ender’s Shadow by Orson Scott Card (lost track

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and overshot 50%), as well as reading approx. 25% of Candide. I look forward to finishing both of these because I found them quite interesting.

Candide in particular is not what I expected, though I can’t tell you what I did expect. The

numcandideber of bad events in his life is astounding! I’m curious to see where Voltaire goes with it.

A Different Perspective

It was late Tuesday evening at an apartment complex somewhere in East Texas. Fire alarms begin to sound, and a man leaves his apartment to find out what is going on.

Crack! A shot rings out — the bullet goes into his back — he collapses in pain, turning to see who shot him. But the shooter has gone into a nearby apartment, where the door is open and a man and his wife are cooking dinner while their child plays.

The shooter raises his gun and shoots the man and woman. The child, thankfully, escapes by running out the door. The man struggles with the shooter and takes his gun away, but the shooter pulls out a knife. More struggle ensues, and the suspect is stabbed repeatedly.

The three victims and the suspect are taken to a nearby hospital.

There is a lot of talk at present about gun control, and it’s a hot issue. Should assault weapons and high-capacity magazines be banned? What if the shooter in this story had an AK-47 with a 100-round clip? How many people might have died?

What about background checks? They can be helpful up to a point. In this case, though, the gun didn’t belong to the shooter, it belonged to his dad. It was not locked up, even though the suspect had shown many signs of mental instability.

But it wasn’t his dad’s fault. The availability of the weapon only made it easier — it didn’t cause this tragedy — only compounded it. The individual might have used his knife if he wasn’t able to get a gun.

What about mental health services? It’s true that they were sadly lacking in this East Texas town. However, even psychological help, including medications, would not have ensured that this incident wouldn’t have happened.

There are so many factors involved in this kind of situation. No single strategy could have prevented it, but a combination of the above strategies (background checks, locked up weapons, psychological help) might have.

I wonder how people might feel about these issues if they were in my shoes — because this shooter I’ve been describing is my son. Please pray for him and our family.

Winter’s Respite Read-a-Thon

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I’ll be honest — my record of read-a-thon participation has not been very good so far. But there is always a new day, a new book, and a new RAT to try! This week is the Winter’s Respite RAT from Seasons of Reading. It only lasts a week, which should be helpful considering my scatterbrained inconsistency. I think I can manage a week.

So, what to read? We can read novels, YA/children’s books, even non-fiction. Here are my goals:

1. Mein Kampf by Hitler — get to at least 50% — I’m currently at 17%.  (I started reading this after a visit to the Dallas Holocaust Museum).
2. Candide by Voltaire
3. Ender’s Shadow by Orson Scott Card — get to 50%; currently 20%.
4. The Works of Edgar Allan Poe Volume 1

If by some chance I reach these goals before the 27th, I will read more of #1 and #3, and begin reading Pollyanna. I also will try to participate in a Twitter chat at one of these times:

Wednesday at 6:00pm CST
Friday at 8:00pm CST
Saturday at 10:00am CST
Sunday at 1:00pm CST

I’m @lunarmoth131 on Twitter; the hashtag for this read-a-thon is #wintersrespite. I look forward to seeing other participants there!

 

The “Try Looking At It Through My Eyes” Challenge, Day 10

courtesy of Kevin at Mental Health Writers Guild

courtesy of Kevin at Mental Health Writers Guild

Day Ten – “The Time Machine” If you could go back and watch one day of your life, what day would it be, why and what do you expect to see?

My first impulse is to choose either a) the very first day I was abused, or b) one of the many days when I did things that hurt other people. But what would be the use of seeing that sort of thing again? I couldn’t change it. Watching it would only produce pain, shame, and frustration.

Instead, I will choose a happy day, a treasured memory. It’s hard to pin it down, but here are some ideas:ErinRogerhomeschool

1) The day when my son or daughter learned to read
2) The day I met my partner for the first time
3) My daughter’s college graduation
4) One day during my trip to Alaska in 2001
5) An ordinary day when I was home schooling my son and daughter
6) The day I gave a talk at the Cochlear Implant Symposium in New York City
7) The day I received the “Most Improved” trophy in high school band

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It’s fun to think about the many pleasurable experiences I’ve had, especially since I tend to dwell on the negative. I think I will make a list of 50 or 100 pleasurable memories that I can look back on when I’m feeling depressed.

The “Try Looking At It Through My Eyes” Challenge Day 9

courtesy of Kevin at Mental Health Writers Guild

courtesy of Kevin at Mental Health Writers Guild

Day Nine – “Questions for Heaven” What questions relating to your mental health would you ask God and why?

There was a time when my first question would have been, “Why me, God, why me?” I can’t be why-god-whysure I wouldn’t ask it even now. But as you may have noticed in my answers to other challenge questions, I’ve become more comfortable with my (multiple) diagnoses and with my past, both things that I did and things that were done to me. There are times I still rage and fight against myself and against people who hurt me, but those times are decreasing in frequency.

Whether I asked “why” or not, there are many other questions I would ask as well:
1) How can I keep from hurting other people with my symptoms?
2) How can I help my children, who have the genetic heritage of bipolar (and possibly others)?
3) How can I love myself in spite of my mental diagnoses?
4) What can I do to help other people like me?

I would also ask for help with managing my moods, which I already do, at least when I remember to do so. Maybe I can find answers to the other questions as well, if I ask sincerely and open my mind to God’s voice.

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My 5th Anniversary

I recently had my 5th anniversary with WordPress. This isn’t as impressive as it sounds, however, because for the first 3 1/2 years I hardly used this account at all. In fact, it was not this blog (“The Bipolar Dance”) but another one associated with it, but that one is private and has few posts on it. Most of the posts were taken from an old blogspot site. I’ve moved around frequently and established multiple blogs on Xanga, LiveJournal, Blogspot, WordPress, and other over the past 8 or so years. Most of them have been deleted now, because they involve experiences I’d rather forget.

The ironic thing is that some of the old posts reflect the same sort of emotional problems I am having now, and I wonder if it’s possible for me to make any progress at all. Here’s an example from July 2007:

The question has been asked of late, “what brings you satisfaction?” For some reason, I feel confused whenever this question comes up, almost as if I don’t understand the question. What exactly does “satisfaction” mean? Does it mean happiness? Or feeling good about myself?

Many things make me happy for awhile, likewise with feeling good about myself. But it doesn’t last. From what I’ve heard, the positive feelings of satisfaction or whatever are meant to pile up (so to speak)so that they leave a lingering feeling called self esteem. This requires a person to experience these positive feelings often — otherwise one good feeling goes away completely before another takes its place, and they never “pile up.”

I’ve been told that I need more of those positive experiences. Thus the question of what brings me satisfaction; I have to know the answer if I am to seek out those things.

The other problem is that apparently things that “should” give me satisfaction — little things like completing tasks around the house or doing an errand — don’t. I wonder if it’s unusual to feel the way I do.

At the time, I was having  trouble dealing with the slightest bit of criticism because I inevitably took it too hard, as if it meant I was a bad and hopeless person. I had little self-esteem built up and my boundaries were thin or non-existent.

Unfortunately, my internal world has been much the same for the past couple of months, but I am determined to get through it and grasp the brass ring once again — the one that I can hold onto so that I don’t drift away from my true self with every outside gale that crashes into me. I need an anchor to hold me steady. What could it be? Hmmm…

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